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Hurry up!!

@Non-CBC folk: Do not pay any attention to this post. Office Purpose Wonly.

Titanic 2 has already hit theaters!!

Here is how the whole crossover from movie 1 to movie 2 happened.

Funniest Scene Ever. Period.

Here is the world's funniest monologue ever. 

The transcript of Rajat's monologue in the Movie Pyaar ka Punchnama. Did a google search but found nada. With deciphering help from the missus.

Chaudhry: Ye tera Neha ke saath kya chal raha hai?

Rajat: Kyun Kya hua?

Chaudhry: Wo aayi thi subah.

Rajat: Kya boli?

Chaudhry: Yehi ki tu baat nahi kar raha hai and all that. Kya, problem kya hai?

Rajat: Problem, Problem ye hai ki wo ladki hai. Aur kya problem hai. Problem ye hai ki main chahta hun ki meri life mein koi problem hi na ho, lekin agar meri life mein koi problem na ho na, ye uski life ki SABSE badi problem hai. And bullshit she's worried yaar. Use to celebrate karna chahiye, because isn't this exactly what she wants? Seriously yaar aajkal jab wo muh kholti hai to mann karta hai muh mein hi kuch thoons dun. Trust me yaar 6 maheene mein I've had it all. Sab dekh liya maine. Abey kaun sa pyaar, Kaisi relationship, kahe ki khushiyaan? Relationship ka matlab hi ye hota hai an end to your own happiness.Uske baad, all you got to worry about is uski khushiyaan, uska birthday, uske KUTTE ka birthday, Uska new year jo kabhi tumhara bhi new year tha. 

In ladkiyon ko na, koi khush nahi rakh sakta. A happy woman is a myth. Tu batman waali ko dekh le. Saala jab tak Batman nahi bana, tab tak bolti rahi "Tum to kuch karte hi nahi ho, nakara ho, napunsak ho, main tum jaise insaan ke saath kaise reh sakti hun, aur jis din bechara batman ban gaya, uss din boli "Tum to BATMAN BAN GAYE ?!? Mujhe to ek normal insaan hahiye tha,main tumhare saath kaise reh sakti hun?" Sab saala kahaniyon ka dosh hai. Bloody bollywood romantic masala, ek ladka ek ladki dono ko pyaar hua dono saath saath film khatam. Iske baad ki story koi nahi batata. Iske baad ki kahani main batata hun. Iske baad ladke ne ladki ko 2 din hug nahi kiya, to problem. Hug kiya, to chep ho rahe ho, itna bhi accha nahi lagta.

Saali Shopping khatam nahi hoti inki. Pehle cushions aaye, phir curtains aaye, phir cushions curtains se match nahi kiye, to aur cushions aaye. Saale mug itne hain mere yahaan ki bechne jao to maheene ka kharcha nikal aaye. Ek to jo cheez khareedne jaengi wo cheez khareed ke nahi aengi. 2 hafte dimaag chatengi ki 'Table lena hai table lena hai', 5 ghante mall mein bita ke ek sadi si chappal utha ke le aegi. aur phir agle do hafte dimaag chatengi ki table lena hai table lena hai.

Office mein kaam kar raha hun. Phone ajaega. Phone uthate hi bol deta hun baat nahi kar sakta. Kitna mushkil hai baat samajhna? "Do min kar loge to kya ho jaega?". ARREY DO MIN KAR LUNGA TO TUJHE KYA MIL JAEGA MERI MAA, thik se to kar paunga nahi. Aur iske baad I love you bole bina phone kaata to naatak. Sabse zyada dimaag ki dahi iss mobile phone ne ki hai. Katai ghatiya invention hai saali. Conspiracy hai patta hai saala patta. Ek to, unke ad ko hi dekh lo na, "Lo ji, ek paise per second, aur phone karo aur phone karo." Arrey call sasti ho jaane se baat thode hi na badh jaati hai karne ko? Phir iska jawaab unhe bhi do. "Tumhare paas baat kyun nahi hai karne ko? You have lost interest in me. Tumhe hmm hmm hi karna aata hai na to maine phone kyun kiya??" Arrey meri maa mujhe kya pata tune mujhe phone kyun kiya, JAAKE BHARTI MITTAL SE POOCH NA! 

Tujhe main bata raha hun, uss ad mein na, woh kutta nahi hai kutiya hai. Seriously, shart laga sakta hun. Wherever you go, we follow. 

Tujhe kya lagta hai, Columbus ko pata nahi tha wo India nahi jaa raha, wo galti se pahunch gaya?? Nahi. Usko pata tha. Wo bechara to kahin duur jaana chahta tha. Biwi ke chakkar mein bolna pada ki India ja raha hun. Nahi to 10 sawaal poochti, "Kahan Jaa rahe ho??" "Kyun Jaa rahe ho?" "Accha?!? Tumhe pata bhi nahi kahan ja rahe ho??" "Seedhe seedhe kyun nahi bolte mujhse kahin duur jana chahte ho?" Aaj tak bechare ka mazaak udati hai duniya.

Office mein kaam kar raha hun, SMS ajaega, I love you. Thik hai main bhi sms kar deta hun, I Love you too. Iske baad, SMS pe SMS shuru. Abey kaam kya karti hai office mein? Do sms ka reply mat karna, turant phone aega. Phone mat utha, to 10 min mein message aa chuka hoga, 'I don't think it's working any more.' 10 min mein 'Babu I love you' se 'I don't think it's working any more.' And this is when they're not even downn..

Ab pata chala ye aadmiyon ko itne heart attack kyun aate hain aur ye...ye...ye (Gesturing Gays) yehi bande itne successful kyun hote hain. Because they don't have a woman to screw their happiness na.

Log kehte hain na, that behind every successful man is a woman, TRUE! But koi ye nahi batata ki behind every unsuccessful man ALSO there is a woman. Aur ye to koi bhi bata sakta hai na, ki unsuccessful logon ki tadaad, successful logon se kai guna zyada hai iss duniya mein?

Saala office mein kaam kar raha hun. Keh raha hun late ho jaunga, to khaana nahi khaegi, phir bhookhi so jaegi. Arre main keh raha hun kha lo, to dikkat. Kya karun naukri chhod dun? Phir saale ghar jao pehle inhe manao inhe khilao, inke baad khud ki bhookh to vaise hi mar jaati hai. Iss sab ke baad bhi agar insaan kisi tarah kone mein jaake shanti se baitha hua hai chupchaap, to kya? Ghadi ghadi, "Kya soch rahe ho? Kya soch rahe ho?? Kya soch rahe ho???" AREY KUCH NAHI SOCH RAHA MERI MAA YE SOCH RAHA HUN TERA MUH KAISE BAND KARUN?? Kya soch rahe ho - Camera laga dun dimaag mein?? ISs sab ke baad "We never talk, we need to talk, I don't think it's working any more." 

Main tujhe bata raha hun, you can never discuss anything with a woman. Because they call it a discussion, but any discussion with a woman is an argument. Aur argument mein to boss tu unse jeet hi nahi sakta. Because hum aadmiyon ki ek basic need hoti hai, to make sense in an argument. Ladkiyon ko koi fark nahi padta. Sense jaisi bekaar si cheez ki wajah se wo argument kaise haar jaen? ek to aaj ki baat ka argument aaj hoga hi nahi, aaj ki baat pe jhagda hoga do maheene baad. Kya saala yaad bhi nahi hota hai ki 2 maheene pehle hua kya tha. Ladkiyaan bacha ke rakhti hain. Ye chhota hathiyaar nahi, ye bada hathiyaar hai, ise badi ladai mein use karenge.

Tu kabhi try kar liyo khud ko sahi saabit karne ki. Tujhe lag hi raha hoga ki iss point se, tu apni baat ko saabit kar lega, lekin tabhi ek awaz aegi "Ungli neechey karo". Tune dhyaan bhi nahi diya hoga lekin teri ek naadaan si ungli unki taraf point kar rahi hogi and suddenly the whole argument will flush down the gutter and mudda ye reh jaega 'How dare you point a finger at me'. Kisne bola ye dude, Kisne?? Saala wo beech argument mein tujhe joota phenk ke maar de to koi dikkat nahi, lekin tum unki taraf ek ungli point kar do, saara mudda khatam, wo sahi tum galat?? 

Shaadi ke pehle, shaadi ke pehle wo naagin been (gesturing shehnai) kyun bajta hai, hain, kyun bajta hai? Kyunki na bandwala bhi na tumhe chetavni de raha hota hai ki kaun araha hai tumhari zindagi mein. Unka signature tune hai wo.

Ab ye bata, wo kya karne ai thi tere paas yahan? Same cheez main karun to? Uski kisi friend to call karke apni problems ginaun to? Kahegi "Accha, tumne meri friend ko call kiya? Hmmm, tum unki sympathy gain karna chahte ho? WHY DON"T YOU GO AND SLEEP WITH HER"?? It's RIDICULOUS YAAR.

Chaudhry: Wo ungli waala mere saath bhi hua hai.

Yaar, Ye Ho Kya Raha Hai???

PS: Thanks Sarthak.

Vicky Christina Barcelona

I understand why Vicky can be a funny nickname on a guy. But this is heights if you are in Bongoland.
This is what I am talking about. Here is my Gtalk screen after a guy named Arindam (They're all named that!) pings me.

 
 By the power of Greyskull, let's also have a look at his very own Gtalk Page.

 I rest my case.

(Big Thank You to Awesome Dawsome Sarthak for letting me borrow his identity, his time and an insight into what kind of mails he gets. And Rockstar Swamy Atul, who makes his Debut on my blog in pictorial capacity.)

Galti se mistake ho gaya

I was going to post a Dhobi Ghaat review. But as I read through it, I found it had no substance.
Here is what I found though. Kudos to Times of India editors.

SMS Lingo, thou #win again.

Calcutta, I am a Taxi Driver in.

"Eden Gardens has an exclusiveness of its own. Ethereal and elusive the enduring charm of Eden Gardens has lent an aura of its own on cricketers past and present, young and old, competitive and friendly. Endearing and enchanting, the emerald green carpet and the earnest crowd have held tough men in flannels spellbound."

This time however, the ones left spellbound are men in dhotis and women in white sarees with red border.

I loved the ICC verdict. I really did. I would rate it equivalent to Pakistan players not being included in the IPL. It's a slap on the face of CAB, nay Kolkata. And to quote Dr. Dang, “Kolkata ko pehli baar kisi ne thappad mara hai. First time. Is thappad ki goonj suni tumne? Ab is goonj ki goonj sunai degi."

The first reaction of the ICC not deeming Eden Gardens fit for the match against England was that of righteous indignation. How dare they? How can you ignore Eden Gardens? The Jewel of Cricket in India. As it turns out, the Eden currently looks very much like a Karunamoyee junction where the work for Metro is full on. It's a dumping yard. A week after the fiasco, it looks no closer to completion than it did that fateful day the verdict was delivered and the CAB had its ass handed back to it. At least the IOC got its act right after a few reporters paved the way, nitpicking on every detail that was missing from Delhi’s repertoire of infrastructure readiness for the Commonwealth.

This brings me to the greater problem at hand, that of attitudes and indifference, that of laziness and procrastination, that of ignoring development for the sake of hanging on to a supposed tradition that no one gives a damn about any more. The first reactions when a friend of mine posted that Calcutta has a long distance to cover before it shows any signs of development, was met with a vehement “No it’s not Calcutta’s fault, It’s CAB’s.”

True! TATA Nano factory not being setup is not Calcutta fault, it’s Mamata’s. Metro Project’s humongous delay is not Calcutta’s fault, it’s KMRC’s. Kolkata’s Airport modernization programme not coming even close to that of Mumbai or Delhi is not Calcutta’s fault, it’s AAI’s.

Who are in these agencies? Who are these people? If they are not what makes up Calcutta, I don’t know who does. Please, show me the developed Calcutta and the developed Calcuttans. Where are they hiding? Will they come out during the Pujas to throng the streets?

It’s time to wake up to facts. Blaming government will only get you so far. Ever wondered why each and every project running in Kolkata is either a. Delayed b. Stalled c. Scrapped d. All of the above? It’s because for everything, people have a government body or political figure to blame.

How can they drop Eden? Nahh they won’t. It’s the oldest cricket ground in India after all. It’s the best ground to play in. We’ll get it ready before the eve of the first match. Forget that the approach road is going to be messed up, that the cushioned seats will not be in place, the restrooms will not have fittings, the VIP boxes will basically be empty outhouses. Once the match starts, everything will be forgotten. Newsflash! The rest of the world does not share your views. It’s an increasingly meritocratic arena, where your loss will be somebody else’s gain. You can no longer simply Hope to get by, and get by on the basis of you being culturally significant.

Now, let’s forget for the time being what the actual 'ground' reality is. At least the verdict tells you what the outside world thinks of Kolkata. Stop politicizing petty issues and get your ass back to work. At least it would be the first step towards eliminating the 10 year lag that Kolkata has trailing the rest of Indian Metros.

I need a Status, Stat!!

OMG, I totally, like, ROFLed when I read ur FB status.Oh BTW, you SUCK!!
I think I've had it with lameass status updates. Can't take 'em anymore.

1. Impossible means I'm Possible.

Of course you are possible! The very fact that you have a 2x2 in this world to live in, you waste the oxygen by your breathing, that your parents toiled to create you, that you have the minimum education of being able to use ctrl-C ctrl-v, should also make you realise what the end result of procreation is. Hell, what with the whole population crisis that we are having, I wish you, in particular, were not possible.

2. XYZ is very sad :'(

Well boo-fuckin-hoo. There is an invention called the telephone. And then some smart ass has gone ahead and made mobile communication possible. Even an auto-rickshaw driver has a mobile phone (better than mine, I might add). I refuse to believe your friends don't have a cellphone. Call them, talk to them if you're really sad. It'll feel loads better. Stop trying to garner more attention.

3. Man, when the clock strikes three, the bamboozles will while down in their philharmonic and the melodrama of the Indianapolis will cancel out the monogamy.

So you have what...300 friends on your list? And this message will be understood by what...3 of them?? Seriously, all this will get you, is some loser asking you what this means. Or one of the 3 replying with a \m/ or a :) or (this one is the worst) ;)
The last one basically means, "Hey man, smart status!! No one is gonna understand that but us. Awesome! It's our secret lingo. FBI won't even know what we are up to -wink wink- ".
What it actually means, "We don't have a life outside the 3 of us. Good you posted this so that we feel a little self-important for a while. I'm so lonely. You want to sleep over tonite -wink wink- ? "

4. 'Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'
Did you serve in Vietnam? Can you play ping pong with both your hands? Can you run like the wind? You're not Forrest Gump. Nor the movie's scriptwriter.

5. "Insaan + NITIE = Insanity !!"
Dude!! That was good. Brilliant. Original. Total 3 likes, and one comment saying "Good One".Too bad some chick is going to update her profile pic and 60% of facebook traffic worldwide will divert to her page to Like or Comment on it. Newsflash : Liking a pic won't get you into her trousers.

Yaaron...dosti...

आज तुमने फ़ोन काटा तो एक बात मन में आई ...

जब तुम टेलेफ़ोन किया करते थे , मम्मी फ़ोन उठा के कहती थी की वो पढ़ाई कर रहा है , बाद में फ़ोन करना । मुझे मन ही मन बहुत गुस्सा आता था । पर अब तुम्हारा फ़ोन काटने से पहले मैं दो बार सोचता भी नहीं हूँ ।

कल तुम मेरे मोपेड के पीछे बैठने को बेकरार रहते थे क्यूँकी तुम्हें पेट्रोल बचाने में शायद बहुत मज़ा आता था। आज तुम मुझे अपनी कार में शहर की सैर करवाते हो । पर एक बात बताओ, क्या आज भी उस ट्यूशन वाली बंदी को देख कर उसके पीछे अपनी गाड़ी दौड़ाओगे ?

कल हम हर चीज़ पे मधुबन की ट्रीट लेते थे । तुम्हारे 1st आने पर 30 रुपये का डोसा खा के हम कितना खुश होते थे । आज तुम्हारी तरक्की पर 5 स्टार होटल के रेस्तरां में ट्रीट लेके भी दिल तुम्हारे लिए ख़ुश कम , अपने लिए दुखी ज़्यादा होता है ।

कल मैं तुम्हे कितने ही झूठ बोलता था । अपने कितने ही किस्से नमक मिर्च लगा के सुनाता था । और तुम उनका विश्वास कर लेते थे । आज तुम्हारे पास अपनी ही कितनी कहानियाँ होती हैं । शायद अब तुम मेरी बातों को सुनते भी नहीं ।

कल जब हमें मुश्किल से एक दूसरे के घर Contra और Mario खेलने के 3 घंटे नसीब होते थे , अपनी चांस का इंतज़ार करते हुए दिल कैसा बेचैन रहता था । आज भी दिल PS3 पर games खेलने के बाद बेचैन रहता है , क्यूँकी शाबाशी देने वाला कोई नज़र नहीं आता ।

कल क्रिकेट खेलते हुए जब तुम मुझे टीम सेलेक्शन के वक़्त चुनते थे , हर बार गर्व से सीना चौड़ा हो जाता था । फिर कभी नहीं हुआ ।

कल मैं तुम्हारे घर के सामने आकर तुम्हे आवाज़ देता था । तुम्हारे घर के बगल वाली आंटी भी सोचती थी की तुम काफी आवारा हो । आज भी उस आंटी को हम दोनों की याद आती होगी ना ?

खुश रहना इतना मुश्किल कब बन गया ?

यार , तुम फ़ोन ना काटा करो........

May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss - Contest 1

This is an official entry into the most awaited contest of all times. Find more details here:

GreatBong

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Details of the contest are as follows:

The rules.
1. On your blog, provide a link to this page. (http://greatbong.net/book). Embedding the above picture in your blog would be nice but not needed.
2. Then write down your top 10 Hindi movie lines or top 10 English movie lines (You can do both if you want. Only one set is required for the contest). If you cannot think of top 10, make it top 5. Cannot think of even 5? Make it top 3. No problem. Only restriction: no two lines from same movie. This done to make it fair for other movies so that they dont get swamped by Gunda or Loha or Sholay.
3. Tag five friends to do the same.
4. Come over to the comment-space of this post and post your blog’s link so I can go and read it.
Remember: Before starting the tag, paste points 1 and 4 on your blog so that the rules are available to anyone who wishes to pick the tag up from your blog.

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And here are my favourite dia/mono-logues from the Indian silver screen.

Warning: Long Post.

10. Mohabbatein

Raj Aryan: Hawaon ne apna Rukh Ek bar phir Badal diya hai
(Buwahahahahahahahahaha...)

9. Sarkaar

Silver Mani: ye Sarkhaar hai, khoi bacchon ka khel nae... Ae tu ghu-ghu-ghoor mat !!

8. Mr. India

Mogambo: Mr. India? Mr. Indiaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha Mr. ha ha ha ha ha INDIA ha ha ha ha...

Dr. : Magar Mr. Mogambo, agar aapne India ko tabah kar diya to Mr. India bhi tabah ho jaega aur isi ke saath wo formula...

Mogambo: Dr. Fumanchu...Tum Bevakoof ho.

7. Haasil

Gauri Shankar: Aur Suno, Rannbijay Singh, aaj ke baad Innbhersity mein agar Picchdon ka jhanda uthaya...

Rannvijay: Toh????

Gauri Shankar: Hain??

Rannvijay: Toh Kya hui babusahab?

Gauri Shankar: Toh kam kar diye jaoge. 2 minute ka maun hoga tohri yaad mein, tohri party ke 2-3 launde aake gana-baana gaa denge...ki 'chalte chalte mere geet yaad rakhna' Aur kaa hoga be? Aur kaa hoga? National holiday hoga kaa Tohri Yaad mein?

(Just one of many gems given by Ashutosh Rana in this movie.)

6. Gulaal

Duki Banna: Aur ye, ye apne bete ko Vilaayat bhej rahe hain...padhne ke liye...Jack and Jill went up the Hill to fetch a b********.

5. DCH

Shalini: Rohit, tum apne doston ke saamne mujh par chilla rahe ho?

(Rocking stuff...used this for days together.)

4. Sarfarosh

ACP Rathod: Kyaa Thakur tereko itni baar bulaya tu aata nahi hai?

Thakur: Kaun hai tu?

ACP Rathod: Pehchana nahi?? ACP Rathod...Chal uth..chal chal uth.

(Again, tremendously used when seeing someone after a long time.)

3. Sholay

Jai: Pistaul Jail mein aa chuki hai...

Veeru: KYAA? Pistaul jail mein aa chuki hai?

2. Swades

Melaram: Saar, Saar, Hum aapke liye break-phaast laya hun.

1. Andaz Apna Apna

Bajaj: Main Teja hun kyunki mera naam bhi Teja hai.

Teja: Abey Sudhar Ja Safed Ramu, Main teja hun yaar.

Bajaj: Teja Main Hun, Mark Idhar Hai !!!

Gogo: Chuppp !!

Bajaj: Main teja hun...

Gogo: Ye Teja-Teja Kya hai, Ye Teja-Teja.

(Laugh out loud everytime, irrespective of where I am.)

And now some Haalywood (not in any order):

1. The Godfather

Michael Corleone: What I want, what's most important to me...is my Father to be safe.

(A dialogue incidentally repeated by George Clooney TO Al Pacino in Ocean's 13.

2. Schindler's List

Oskar: This ring, 2 people...this car, 5 people....I couldn't do enough...I couldn't do enough...

3. 300

Leonidus: You bring the skulls of dead kings to MY city steps...you threaten my people with slavery and death...you insult my Queen. Oh I've chosen my words carefully Persian, perhaps you should have done the same.

4. Notting Hill

William: It was sort of sweet actually - I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line...but she said that she might be as famous as can be....but also... that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.........Oh, sod a dog. I've made the wrong decision, haven't I?

5. Snatch

a.

Brick-Top: Pull your head out of your arse ol'Gary. Dogs do that... you're not a Dog are ya Gary?

Gary: Nah..Na i'm not Guv'na.

Brick-Top: However, you do have all the qualities of a Dog Gary, All except loyalty.

b.

Brick-Top: In the silent words of the Virgin Mary, Come again?

c.

Associate: London?

Cousin Avi: Yes London...you know Fish-chips, Cup-o-tea, Bad food, Worse weather, Mary-Fuckin-Poppins..LONDON !!

6. Jerry Maguire

a.

I am out here for you. You don't know what it's like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?

Help Me...Help You.

b.

Rod Tidwell: It's a very personal, a very important thing. Hell, it's a family motto. Are you ready, Jerry?

Jerry Maguire: I'm ready.

Rod Tidwell: I wanna make sure you're ready, brother. Here it is: Show me the money. Oh-ho-ho! SHOW! ME! THE! MONEY! A-ha-ha! Jerry, doesn't it make you feel good just to say that! Say it with me one time, Jerry.

Jerry Maguire: Show you the money.

Rod Tidwell: Oh, no, no. You can do better than that, Jerry! I want you to say it with you, with meaning, brother! Hey, I got Bob Sugar on the other line; I bet you he can say it!

Jerry Maguire: Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. Show you the money.

Rod Tidwell: No! Not show you! Show me the money!

Jerry Maguire: Show me the money!

5. Apocalypse Now

Kilgore: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning.

6. A Few Good Men

Col. Jessop: You Can't Handle The truth...Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg (teehee)? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

7. Philadelphia

Andrew Beckett: Excuse me, Am I being fired?

8. American Gangster

Frank Lucas: You'll take them too?...shit you don't want them you want Police, you want police? You want your own kind!

Detective Roberts: They're not my kind. They're in business with you Frank they ain't my kind. They ain't my kind just like the Italians are not yours.

Frank Lucas: My Man.

9. The Godfather

Michael Corleone: Today I settle all family business so don't tell me your innocent Carlo.

10. 12 Angry Men

Juror: Well, I'm not used to supposin'. I'm just a workin' man. My boss does all the supposin' - but I'll try one. Supposin' you talk us all out of this and, uh, the kid really did knife his father?

(check)

------

Here I go tagging 5 buddies:

Atul

Saumya

Jeeta

Rohit

Dubez

(check)

------

(double-check)

(phew)

Chance pe Dance : Reviewed

Ahhhhh. Finally, I thought this might just be a movie so bad that it's good. All I was looking for, was one glimmer of hope, one tiny sparkle that would make me say 'Okay, I can still watch bollywood movies', but Nooo !! This movie is a pain.
It's too bad to be a Luck By Chance, too good to be a Gunda, but I think you're just right for Amul Chocolate. This movie however, isn't.

Chapter 1: GENELIA.
Okay tell me seriously....what the hell is up with Genelia? Why exactly is she liked by even one human being? She can't act to save her life. People were ga-ga over her after Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, but come on, seriously...was she any good? No seriously....was she? I remember her from one of my all time favourite movies. My very first movie in Bhubaneswar. A movie that was going to set the tone of my engineering in that wonderful wonderful paradise of a place. A mind boggling romance Starring Riteish Deshmukh and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, called 'Tujhe Meri Kasam'. I think that movie broke all box office records....of Maharaja Cinema Hall Acharya Vihar.
She squeaks rather than talk, gawks rather than look, can't dance worth peanuts. Picture the scene with Shahid scratching the chalk board with his nails to stop the children from screaming. Now magnify that 2 min scene to 3 hours. That, my dear readers, is what Genelia's voice and accent in that 3 hour God Forsaken movie did for me. I hate female Genelia. There, I said it. And I know you do too, you're just confusing it with another similar sounding word from your class nine biology books aint'cha? Naughty naughty.

Chapter 2: SHAHID.
As my friend Avinash Patel puts it, we have always had problems with Guys who are girls' heartthrobs. I think that is one big reason we never got around to liking Shahrukh Khan. But trust me when I say this, that is not the reason I dislike Shahid Kapur. This is so not the right role for Shahid. I mean come on, are you seriously saying that bollywood came up with a dance movie, and the guy dancing is Shahid? He's no Patrick Swayze ladies and gentlemen. I mean even Shahrukh did a better job with his Hawa mein aath banana, le ban gaya step soniya, tu ban gaya HEP soniya. (A song ironically called Dance pe Chance).

The movie has everything. Despair, Love, Humour, Mumbai, Struggle, Victory, Entertainment etc. And it gives you everything. Nausea, Spondilytis, Diarrhea, Mumbai, BO, Arthritis, Diabetes etc.

Chapter 3: SCHOOL OF ROCK INSPIRED??
So much potential the movie had. Alas, the guys had to waste more footage on how Shahid washed his clothes in the school loo, rather than focus on the children practicing for the dance competition. Such a waste. And those totally non-cute kids won with that shabby dance? Why? Because Shahid made a determined face? Because Genelia prayed so convincingly? Because Stone Cold Said So?
Again, this movie is no School of Rock. It's no School of Dance. Its not even a bloody IIPM School of Management.
If you want to see a 2 hour movie shrunk effectively as a movie side plot, I suggest you watch 'The Apartment' starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley McLaine. And then watch Sharman Joshi's subplot in Life in a Metro. And be amazed.

Chapter 4: Cliches Wide Open.
Right from the dagabaaz friend (played by none other than the world famous in gajapatanagar Vikas Bhalla, with such amazing song hits to his name as Hai Dhuan Hai Dhuan and Awara), the baap in trouble, the struggling actor, the rags to riches story, the girl, the rain, the touchy feely in the car, the kids pooling in the tiffins, winning the dance... the only thing they missed out was Shahid being shot by the kid (who used to be cute some tv ads ago) for bhiolating his sister Genelia, but still dancing and landing the role, and dying a year later upon getting out of the car (hence the term Red Carpet....har har har.) Faarmula Pikchur.

Chapter 5: The Parsi Landlord.

If I see one more of these, I'm gonna kill myself. And why is it the same guy playing a Parsi everytime man? Even I can say 'Ae iss maheena ka bhada de de ne dikra' in a funny accent. But no, I am mistaken. This wasn't the cliched landlord. No No No. There was a twist. I don't know if you noticed the slight nuance. This once, had a body itch that wouldn't go away!! Marvellous. The vagaries of Indian Cinema.
Can someone else apart from Kurush Deboo please play a Parsi?
Can Kurush Deboo please play something other than a Parsi?

Chapter 6: TheMuzeek.
I really don't need to write anything here. I am yet to think of anyone who could have done a worse job than Adnan Sami has on this filthy piece of Garbage.

The one and only good part of the Movie. Satish Shah. Truly funny in the entirety of 5 mins that he has on screen. I'd so rather watch him as a corpse dressed as Draupadi though. But I jest you not, I was actually lol-ing when Satish delivered his lines...to perfection.

You guys must watch this movie. Just to realise what toxic waste we are exposed to nowadays going by the name of mainstream Hindi Cinema.

An excerpt from Wikipedia:
Katrina Kaif was rumoured to be Shahid’s co-star but the makers eventually chose Jiah Khan. She shot for the film but was asked to leave halfway through. Reportedly, she got over-friendly with Shahid Kapoor and was not doing her job well. She was replaced by Genelia D'Souza who shot her scenes in a whirlwind schedule.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Jao be, dekh ke aao pikchur jab tak hall mein lagi hai. Iska DVD to moser baer bhi nahi nikalegi, aur na hi tumhare ghar ke bagal wala C.D. Corner.

Why won't you talk to me ??

(28 July 1943 - 15 September 2008)

What shall we use to fill the empty spaces where we used to talk
How shall I fill the final places?
How should I complete the wall??

RIP

Wind of Change - Concluding Part

On Bhai
I am the youngest in the family nest. I have had the advantage of learning from not just Mom Dad, but Bhaiya and Didi too. Contribution of a parent is something beyond me, something beyond words, something so dignified that it can't be posted in a mere blog.
Didi, you have always been my strength. The one who makes me feel that I'm worth something. You instill confidence in me,your undying trust in me makes me want to perform better.
And Bhai, well, I really don't know what to say. If I have anything to my name today, its because of you. I used to feel elated when people said that my style of talking is just like yours. I am not so surprised anymore. You were the one who taught me how to talk.

Wind of Change - Part Two

On People
Ever held back because you were afraid of how the other person might feel about you if you gave him a piece of your mind? I have come to realise that whether you say it or not, it won't make a difference. So just say it and get it out of your system. Nothing can change the fact that they would remain ignorant, and indignantly so!
Dubes once told me...in an unbelievable moment of truth...to keep in mind a set of people who matter to you, and for those who are not in that circle...adios amigos. That one statement changed me as a person. All those who are not in that circle of mine...you have a lot of growing up to do. I wish you all the best in life. I hope you get some sense soon. Here's a four letter word for you. Ciao.

Wind of Change - Part One

On MBA
Things have taken a turn for the better for our family. I am proud to have contributed to this 'Jain Shining' (reference to India Shining, not Jack Nicholson's The Shining you creeps).
I first became a Mamaji(15th December 2007, our little crying bundle of joy), then a Devar (can't wait for the title to be bestowed on me officially, July 11th is d-day), now I'm all set to become an MBA. This last bit of news is what we would be focusing on today, so if you have had a good dose of jainzy's gloating in the past few days, I suggest you turn to your facebooking and orkutting right about...now.

Can an exam change your life? Does an educational institute have the power of changing you?
I would answer "yes". Well my preps for an MBA had started about 3 years ago, when I wanted an MBA degree to earn more money. To go for it because I knew I had to, without rhyme or reason. 2 failures it took. And then there was light. There was a reason. I understood my place in the industry. I was warming up to the idea that I am a part of a workforce which is putting India on the map. In my own insignificant way, I am a part of the Indian industry. That my 2 years in the IT field have not been futile. I could sense logic. I didn't want to go in for Marketing any more. I used to think it would be a really cool thing to do. That probably would have been my most coherent reply to the question 'Why MBA' a year ago. As lame as they come. And then, introspection led me to my career path. Everything made sense. Everything showed logic. IT Systems as a specialization dawned clear as an area where I would love to dedicate my work life to. It appealed to me. Simple.

Its easy to be deaf-mute, to continue with one's job in a humdrum fashion, continue cribbing about not enough pay, too much work. But as my team's coffee time conversations shifted from Mohun-Bagan East-Bengal and Sourav Da blah blah and Singur-Nandigram to Cognizant's USP and its profit margin and its attrition rate and its core competencies, my project's revenue, its profit margin, Cognizant's most favoured clientèle etc, I noticed that in these conversations, it was the managers who spoke, while I asked, and my colleagues yawned. I would get back to my cubicle with a sense of purpose, aware of my role, aware of how I was in the right industry, but a role which I had outgrown. All the while I pitied myself for not knowing the company I worked for all these years. So did an MBA offer change me? Pursuing it certainly did.

Apart from that, I am quite frank when I say that a call from NITIE was like a third-party certification. You won't believe how incredibly down I was after the interview; it had lasted a paltry 5 minutes. After all the preparation, when I had truly felt that I am ready, it seemed I just wasn't given a chance. But the powers that be, decided in my favour, and I felt redeemed. So here I am, a step closer to my dream. Yes, the convert did instill in me a faith in myself, which I admit had visibly faded. All in all, right now, I don't feel happy, relieved, content, satisfied. I just feel incredibly excited. Turbo-charged. Can't wait for student life to begin again.

Ticket to Hollywood - 1

With the MBA exams all behind me, I finally got down to business, that of watching 3 movies a day. Most of them are movies that you have seen ages ago. I hadn't, so currently I'm only trying to be up to date. Its not an easy job, I tell you.

1. Citizen Kane: I remember trying to watch it while I was in Hostel. Finally got down to it. Loved it. Every bit of it. There are so many movies made on individuals. The best among them is Schindler's List, but of course it was about much more than just the man. What i noticed about it that there was no drama. Dialogue was as easily delivered as a normal conversation.

2. Apocalypse Now: Shows how a mind degenerates. While the entire movie gets darker and darker, and as the explorers move deeper and deeper into the woods, you can actually feel the rotting of the brain and all the senses, eventually culminating in an extravaganza of madness displayed perfectly by ze Godfather.

3. Saving Private Ryan: Finally saw it. Heh heh. I don't know how Americans can be so good at making war movies. One of the best. Without doubt. You can watch "Band of Brothers" too, a 10 episode series based on the Normandy paratroopers.

4. Letters from Iwo Jima: Clint Eastwood is a genius. The first movie I have seen with the Japanese perspective of the War. Powerful performances, compelling narration and a heart-moving story, looking forward to watching the American perspective in Flags of Our Fathers which was incidentally released on the same day and was incidentally directed by Clint Eastwood.

5. Seven: The mind of a psychopath killer. Compelling stuff. Still can't get over the fact that Spacey shows up. (Ha ha ha...no point watching the movie now fellas :) )

6. Zodiac: The mind of hunter trying to catch the above.

7. Cinderella Man: Ultra boxing movie. Brilliant Russell Crowe. determined to watch Robert DeNiro in the raging bull next.

8. Freedom Writers: Dunno if you have seen dangerous minds, but its clearly the same thing. Only its about a different person, and very very moving. Its made brilliantly and definitely worth at least two watches. Our million dollar baby does a lot a justice to the role, equal to, if not better, Michelle Pfieffer. Gonna read the book too.

9. L.A. Confidential: Wow man. Thats showbiz. Its got everything you could ask for in a movie. Made in India, it would have been a masala flick. But it won't cease to amaze you at any given moment. High tension throughout the movie. Powerful Performances again. Spacey you would expect, Crowe you would expect, Guy Pierce was awesome indeed. Kim Bassinger was hot...and how!!

Bahut maza aaraha hai.
Many more in the pipeline. I'm lovin' it.

The name of the game

We all know how the sport drives us. Cricketers in India are next only to God. I say God because Lord Krishna or Mahaveer Swami, in their individual capacities, might not have that big a fan following as Sachin does. Something quite evident in the uproar over the entire 'monkey' fiasco. We didn't give in to bullying. We sure showed them that we are not going to let anyone down under intimidate us with their sledging and their holier-than-thou attitude. But did we?

The way I see things, Hogg plays while Bhajji sits.

So what was the hulla-balloo all about? I get a feeling that it was not just the belief that we were right and they were wrong, the age old good vs evil battle. I sensed a hint of indignation. I doubt the reaction would have been this strong had the accusations of racism come from a small fry (Strictly in terms of Cricket only) like Bangladesh. There was an undertone to everything I read that was being said by the Indian authorities. It went something like this:
Oh you think you can be the endearing naughty boys who win all the time? You think you win because of your talent? See how it feels when you get a taste of your own medicine? Take that, and that... Bam bam bam.

I guess we felt the maximum shock wave of the whole racist controversy because we were in the thick of things. We as Indians were at no fault of our own, and so we were indignant at being called something we are not. We are not racists, and we want the world to know about it, not by proving our point on a political field, not by setting an example of how good natured we have become despite casteism being in our blood, but
1. by screaming our lungs hoarse that Bhajji didn't say the M word because we as Indians are tolerant, and
2. by flexing a strong arm, by threatening the ICC via BCCI because we have financial control over world cricket. And this is how we redeem ourselves, wronged by the all powerful, this is how we rise from the ashes.

But strong responses like these are evoked only when we are facing the brunt. Had Brian Lara called Salman Butt a f******* Paki, we might have just taken it with a pinch of salt, probably even delight.

Here is my take on the situation, and advice to the BCCI: When you start a job, finish it. If you have the guts to call off the tour, do it. Don't wait for a response. Don't threaten if you cannot carry it off. All the while you say that you will not let Bhajji be labeled a racist, the 3rd test is on and Harbhajan is on the bench. I wonder what's going on in his mind.
You are very much in Canberra. And you are goddamn well gonna play the one day series too and you know it. Then what was the entire junkload of crap that you bestowed on the world about not taking no for an answer? Get some sense.

Cricket may be a religion, but only in India. Australians have the choice to pick their sports idols from a vast range of individuals spanning sports like Rugby, Tennis, Baseball, Athletics, Cricket et al.

How is this for statistics:
No. of countries on the earth: 194 (that or thereabout).
No. of test playing nations : 10.

Cricket is small fry for the world and personally for me too. Lets keep it that way and not let things get out of proportion.

ps: (This is where you would expect a disclaimer to come. Sorry to not disappoint. ) I still whoop for joy when India wins. I agree I can't name 11 non-cricket athletes from India. But I treat cricket as a sport. An entertainment medium. That's all folks !!

Fight Club

A new year, a new me. We break the time honoured tradition of naming posts after songs, and include movie names as well into this elite category. My brother suggested that after you have seen a movie, go to IMDb and read through the trivia section, and then watch the movie again. I'm sure many of you out there do it. I never have before, just go through the plot synopsis before watching the movie so I know what kind of a ride I'm in for.
But the lord spoketh, and I started with the example he gave me. And my-oh-my, it has inspired me to start blogging again.

Fight Club. Nice movie. I would say excellent movie. But after I have been through IMDb, I say "What kind of a maniacal psycho demented ruddy brilliant movie is this??"

What you see below is just one of the many many hidden gems in the entire story. Few of them, are too grown up for this blog :) So here it goes...

Did you know that Tyler appears in the movie a total of 5 times?? Hold on...I mean 5 times before you actually see him on the airport for the 'first' time. Here is a small list. Took me some practice to get the screenshots. I have pasted two for each occurrence. The first is the frame just before/just after the easter egg frame. Please appreciate, it happens literally for a split second.

1.a. First, at the xerox place.

1.b. and the very next frame shows

2.a. All warmed up?? How about a visit to the doctor Mr. Jack (Edward Norton)??

2.b. Hey...surely 'that' is not a part of your prescription ?!?

3.a. You know this one time...at self help...

3.b. Someone came a-knocking

4.a. I met a man who wasn't there, he wasn't there again today...

4.b. I wish to God, he'd go away...

5. And finally...Where's the waiter??

THERE HE IS !!!

So you think you've seen the movie? Think again. These images are not copyrighted!! Sue me...again.

Happy New Year everyone.

Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo..

MOTOR SPORTS!!
The thrill of screeching rubber tyres on the hot tarmac. The supersonic whining of engines being pushed to the limit. Bootylicious babes holding out umbrellas to save the driver from the harsh rays of the Sun. I'm talking of course, about F1.
I seriously doubt if anyone is aware of the actual thrill.
Watching it on television with moving cameras and wide angles cannot actually tell you how fast the car is moving. The average pappu who 'rashly drives' by your ride in his super awesome Hero Honda CD-100 SS bike is an 'old lady' for these F1 drivers, because they actually move at speeds upto 4 times as that of that wayward teenager.
Watching it live is great fun as you get to see the cars and hear the actual sound (you are provided with earmuffs btw), but again a regular overtaking manoeuvre takes 5-6 seconds t o pull off, and in that time, the cars have moved to a point where you can't see them anymore.

So according to me the only guys who enjoy it is the drivers themselves. They are the one handpicked to drive these machines while I'm handpicked by the autowallahs to take from SDF-building to Khalpol Petrol Pump for 5 bucks. They are the ones going at 250 km/hour while I go at -3 km/year in the town bus. Its a race for the drivers, from the drivers and by Bernie Ecclestone.

So why do I still watch it?? Because of all the stories connected to it. The races, the circuits, the drivers, their history, the constructors and the champagne.

Otherwise its not too great. So what if this young Hamilton kid is the best new guy on wheels? So what if Schumacher was at one time the highest paid sportsperson?? In the words of the great and noble R. Majumdar, "Rahenge to saale driver hi na.."

I got 13 channels of shit on the TV to choose from

I actually had to sit for 5 min before I could start typing anything. Imagine a scene when you haven't met your best friend for a year, and then suddenly meet him/her on an obscure elevator going up an obscure building, you don't talk about the weather do you? Well what do you talk about? Its not a rhetorical question, I'm actually asking you !!
Has it really been that long? Another blog bites the dust? Its time we changed all that.
Thanks to all you people who still had links to my blog long after it had faded into oblivion. Rohit, Atul, Sonu...you guys are the best. Now for some serious (and not so serious) posting.

In the news today, the fight for India's presidentship continues and has started to reach mammoth proportions. After having agreed on a foreign president Graham Ford, India was shocked into inaction after he refused to take on the job. He definitely can't be blamed for his decision, seeing what happened to his Pakistani counterpart. Musharraf has pointed out that he would be happy to have a new Indian president because talking to the last one was like understanding Rocket Science.
In sports news we have the battle raging for the highly dangerous job of India's cricket coach. Did I say dangerous job?? I meant highly lucrative and prestigious job. India may, for the very first time in history, have a woman coach. Pratibha Patil, a hitherto unknown cricketer has been nominated for the post with full support from the Mumbai Ranji Squad. But things have started to get troublesome ever since the outgoing coach Abdul Kalam has decided he's going to stay on.
Also in cricket, things have taken a turn for the better with Shri Sharad Pawar being nominated for the post of the ICC president. If elected, Mr. Pawar would be the first bulldog to get the job, and the first animal since Jagmohan Dalmiya, who, by general consensus, has been proclaimed a skunk.

Us Indians have never seen so many options open up in front of us. Its like the liberalisation era all over again. As my friend Atul rightly suggests, its PARTYTIME BABY!!! I'm entering this party with wild, staring eyes, and i got a strong urge to fly....
...but i got nowhere to fly to...fly to...fly to.