Funniest Scene Ever. Period.

Here is the world's funniest monologue ever. 

The transcript of Rajat's monologue in the Movie Pyaar ka Punchnama. Did a google search but found nada. With deciphering help from the missus.

Chaudhry: Ye tera Neha ke saath kya chal raha hai?

Rajat: Kyun Kya hua?

Chaudhry: Wo aayi thi subah.

Rajat: Kya boli?

Chaudhry: Yehi ki tu baat nahi kar raha hai and all that. Kya, problem kya hai?

Rajat: Problem, Problem ye hai ki wo ladki hai. Aur kya problem hai. Problem ye hai ki main chahta hun ki meri life mein koi problem hi na ho, lekin agar meri life mein koi problem na ho na, ye uski life ki SABSE badi problem hai. And bullshit she's worried yaar. Use to celebrate karna chahiye, because isn't this exactly what she wants? Seriously yaar aajkal jab wo muh kholti hai to mann karta hai muh mein hi kuch thoons dun. Trust me yaar 6 maheene mein I've had it all. Sab dekh liya maine. Abey kaun sa pyaar, Kaisi relationship, kahe ki khushiyaan? Relationship ka matlab hi ye hota hai an end to your own happiness.Uske baad, all you got to worry about is uski khushiyaan, uska birthday, uske KUTTE ka birthday, Uska new year jo kabhi tumhara bhi new year tha. 

In ladkiyon ko na, koi khush nahi rakh sakta. A happy woman is a myth. Tu batman waali ko dekh le. Saala jab tak Batman nahi bana, tab tak bolti rahi "Tum to kuch karte hi nahi ho, nakara ho, napunsak ho, main tum jaise insaan ke saath kaise reh sakti hun, aur jis din bechara batman ban gaya, uss din boli "Tum to BATMAN BAN GAYE ?!? Mujhe to ek normal insaan hahiye tha,main tumhare saath kaise reh sakti hun?" Sab saala kahaniyon ka dosh hai. Bloody bollywood romantic masala, ek ladka ek ladki dono ko pyaar hua dono saath saath film khatam. Iske baad ki story koi nahi batata. Iske baad ki kahani main batata hun. Iske baad ladke ne ladki ko 2 din hug nahi kiya, to problem. Hug kiya, to chep ho rahe ho, itna bhi accha nahi lagta.

Saali Shopping khatam nahi hoti inki. Pehle cushions aaye, phir curtains aaye, phir cushions curtains se match nahi kiye, to aur cushions aaye. Saale mug itne hain mere yahaan ki bechne jao to maheene ka kharcha nikal aaye. Ek to jo cheez khareedne jaengi wo cheez khareed ke nahi aengi. 2 hafte dimaag chatengi ki 'Table lena hai table lena hai', 5 ghante mall mein bita ke ek sadi si chappal utha ke le aegi. aur phir agle do hafte dimaag chatengi ki table lena hai table lena hai.

Office mein kaam kar raha hun. Phone ajaega. Phone uthate hi bol deta hun baat nahi kar sakta. Kitna mushkil hai baat samajhna? "Do min kar loge to kya ho jaega?". ARREY DO MIN KAR LUNGA TO TUJHE KYA MIL JAEGA MERI MAA, thik se to kar paunga nahi. Aur iske baad I love you bole bina phone kaata to naatak. Sabse zyada dimaag ki dahi iss mobile phone ne ki hai. Katai ghatiya invention hai saali. Conspiracy hai patta hai saala patta. Ek to, unke ad ko hi dekh lo na, "Lo ji, ek paise per second, aur phone karo aur phone karo." Arrey call sasti ho jaane se baat thode hi na badh jaati hai karne ko? Phir iska jawaab unhe bhi do. "Tumhare paas baat kyun nahi hai karne ko? You have lost interest in me. Tumhe hmm hmm hi karna aata hai na to maine phone kyun kiya??" Arrey meri maa mujhe kya pata tune mujhe phone kyun kiya, JAAKE BHARTI MITTAL SE POOCH NA! 

Tujhe main bata raha hun, uss ad mein na, woh kutta nahi hai kutiya hai. Seriously, shart laga sakta hun. Wherever you go, we follow. 

Tujhe kya lagta hai, Columbus ko pata nahi tha wo India nahi jaa raha, wo galti se pahunch gaya?? Nahi. Usko pata tha. Wo bechara to kahin duur jaana chahta tha. Biwi ke chakkar mein bolna pada ki India ja raha hun. Nahi to 10 sawaal poochti, "Kahan Jaa rahe ho??" "Kyun Jaa rahe ho?" "Accha?!? Tumhe pata bhi nahi kahan ja rahe ho??" "Seedhe seedhe kyun nahi bolte mujhse kahin duur jana chahte ho?" Aaj tak bechare ka mazaak udati hai duniya.

Office mein kaam kar raha hun, SMS ajaega, I love you. Thik hai main bhi sms kar deta hun, I Love you too. Iske baad, SMS pe SMS shuru. Abey kaam kya karti hai office mein? Do sms ka reply mat karna, turant phone aega. Phone mat utha, to 10 min mein message aa chuka hoga, 'I don't think it's working any more.' 10 min mein 'Babu I love you' se 'I don't think it's working any more.' And this is when they're not even downn..

Ab pata chala ye aadmiyon ko itne heart attack kyun aate hain aur ye...ye...ye (Gesturing Gays) yehi bande itne successful kyun hote hain. Because they don't have a woman to screw their happiness na.

Log kehte hain na, that behind every successful man is a woman, TRUE! But koi ye nahi batata ki behind every unsuccessful man ALSO there is a woman. Aur ye to koi bhi bata sakta hai na, ki unsuccessful logon ki tadaad, successful logon se kai guna zyada hai iss duniya mein?

Saala office mein kaam kar raha hun. Keh raha hun late ho jaunga, to khaana nahi khaegi, phir bhookhi so jaegi. Arre main keh raha hun kha lo, to dikkat. Kya karun naukri chhod dun? Phir saale ghar jao pehle inhe manao inhe khilao, inke baad khud ki bhookh to vaise hi mar jaati hai. Iss sab ke baad bhi agar insaan kisi tarah kone mein jaake shanti se baitha hua hai chupchaap, to kya? Ghadi ghadi, "Kya soch rahe ho? Kya soch rahe ho?? Kya soch rahe ho???" AREY KUCH NAHI SOCH RAHA MERI MAA YE SOCH RAHA HUN TERA MUH KAISE BAND KARUN?? Kya soch rahe ho - Camera laga dun dimaag mein?? ISs sab ke baad "We never talk, we need to talk, I don't think it's working any more." 

Main tujhe bata raha hun, you can never discuss anything with a woman. Because they call it a discussion, but any discussion with a woman is an argument. Aur argument mein to boss tu unse jeet hi nahi sakta. Because hum aadmiyon ki ek basic need hoti hai, to make sense in an argument. Ladkiyon ko koi fark nahi padta. Sense jaisi bekaar si cheez ki wajah se wo argument kaise haar jaen? ek to aaj ki baat ka argument aaj hoga hi nahi, aaj ki baat pe jhagda hoga do maheene baad. Kya saala yaad bhi nahi hota hai ki 2 maheene pehle hua kya tha. Ladkiyaan bacha ke rakhti hain. Ye chhota hathiyaar nahi, ye bada hathiyaar hai, ise badi ladai mein use karenge.

Tu kabhi try kar liyo khud ko sahi saabit karne ki. Tujhe lag hi raha hoga ki iss point se, tu apni baat ko saabit kar lega, lekin tabhi ek awaz aegi "Ungli neechey karo". Tune dhyaan bhi nahi diya hoga lekin teri ek naadaan si ungli unki taraf point kar rahi hogi and suddenly the whole argument will flush down the gutter and mudda ye reh jaega 'How dare you point a finger at me'. Kisne bola ye dude, Kisne?? Saala wo beech argument mein tujhe joota phenk ke maar de to koi dikkat nahi, lekin tum unki taraf ek ungli point kar do, saara mudda khatam, wo sahi tum galat?? 

Shaadi ke pehle, shaadi ke pehle wo naagin been (gesturing shehnai) kyun bajta hai, hain, kyun bajta hai? Kyunki na bandwala bhi na tumhe chetavni de raha hota hai ki kaun araha hai tumhari zindagi mein. Unka signature tune hai wo.

Ab ye bata, wo kya karne ai thi tere paas yahan? Same cheez main karun to? Uski kisi friend to call karke apni problems ginaun to? Kahegi "Accha, tumne meri friend ko call kiya? Hmmm, tum unki sympathy gain karna chahte ho? WHY DON"T YOU GO AND SLEEP WITH HER"?? It's RIDICULOUS YAAR.

Chaudhry: Wo ungli waala mere saath bhi hua hai.